Where My Time Goes

I was recently trying to account for my time, and where it goes--or, rather, into what black hole it is sucked. Because really, there's no way that my days have the full 15 to 18 waking hours I'm told they're supposed to contain. (Nor do they have the 6 to 9 sleeping hours I've heard tell about, either.)

So I was looking at my week, and trying to sort of break down what sorts of activities I engaged in, and what sorts of activities I was supposed to, but didn't, engage in. The first thing I realized? That it's tempting to lie to myself, to claim to have devoted myself fully to the things that will make me sound selfless and motivated. (Even in my own mind, I want desperately to make a good impression. How sick is that?) It's even more tempting to do so here, online, in full view of all of you.

But instead, I give you the truth.

The truth is, I've spent WAY too many hours so far this week playing Web Sudoku. I tend to get addicted to these games, and right now it's Sudoku's turn. The pull? That you can rank yourself against other players, see where you fall on the bell curve. It's become critical to me to be on the front side of that curve at every level. Can't deal with the idea that there are people who can do this so much faster and more efficiently than I. I=Pathetic.

I've also spent a ridiculous amount of time this week--or at least the time I've spent at my office--gossiping. Mostly about myself, to be honest. Because, you know, I'm so damned interesting.

But I have done other things, too. I've finished all of my edits for my altmed journal, and begun reading proofs. I've sent about a million emails. I've completed work for both my old office and my new one. So it's not like I'm shirking...just not quite getting as much done as I otherwise could. (I'd insert here a defense of myself of the "of course, nobody can work all the time, which is why the goofing off is OK" line, but I know that's crap, because I'm playing well past stress-relief time, and well into obsession time.)

The one thing missing from this? My kids. Haven't done Floortime with N in ages. I barely have the energy to listen to Em when she's reading or babbling, though I am able to focus when she talks about 'real' problems, thank goodness.

[As an aside, I love that she comes to me and values my advice and really listens to what I have to say. I know that it's because she's only 8, and that it's only a hormone-laden second away, that day when I become stupid and evil, but I'm trying not to think about that, and to instead focus on the here and now, the loveliness of my relationship with her, and how it's nearly exactly what I'd hoped it would be. N's still too young to have a relationship with in that way, and I fear that it will be harder to develop a similar one with him, anyway, since he already has that 'boy thing' going on where he doesn't know how to talk about his internal day, his life inside, whereas that's always been Em's forte.]

But as my working-mom friends are wont to say, to everything there is a season (turn, turn, turn). Who knows what the next week, and the week after, will hold, right? In the meantime, I have to go. I still haven't mastered the "evil" level of Sudoku, and that is just not acceptable.