A Quick Glimpse Inside

One of the things that makes N such a mystery to me is his inability to let me inside, to tell me what he's thinking and feeling beyond the simplest of basic emotions.

Actually, that statement may be wrong. I'm not sure it's an inability to let me inside. It may be an inability to verbalize what he's thinking and feeling, despite *wanting* to let me inside. Or it may be a desire not to let me inside, ability be damned.

Whatever it is, it makes the moments when I get even the most fleeting of glimpses that much more special to me.

A few days ago, on the way home from the last day of school before break, we ran into one of N's kindy friends and her usually-at-work mother, and realized they live just a couple of blocks up from us, almost shouting distance. N and T started playing together, and T's mom invited us inside for a quick, impromptu playdate. Such things are almost unheard-of in N's world, and we both enjoyed it immensely. N, in fact, hasn't stopped talking about it since.

Today, with Em and Baroy both at friends' homes, I decided to take N to a nearby park. As we drove past T's house, he again began talking about how he wants to have another playdate with her. The conversation went from there:

Me: Yeah, you really liked playing with T, huh?

N: Actually, I like T's mom better than T.

Me, thrown but recovering quickly and seeing an opportunity: You know, I've noticed that you often seem to like grownups better than children. Do you think you do? Do you like grownups best, or children best?

N, not hesitating: Grownups.

Me: Why do you think that is? Why do you like grownups best?

N, again not hesitating: Because they give me 'tention, and they play with me, and they give me hugs and kisses like you do.

That was the whole of it. When I tried to delve deeper, he wandered off into that place he goes where the answers have no connection to the questions and it's impossible to follow him at all. (Again, I'm not sure he does this becaue he has some sort of language difficulty, or because he's deliberately trying to hide.)

But I do have to say, that glimpse was enough, for now. And I have to admit that he does make a good case for preferring adults. I'd rather hang with someone who pays 'tention to me, too.