Poop and Laughter

#1: Em's been having a minor recurrence of the stomach aches that freaked her out in January so badly that she couldn't go to sleep in her own room or by herself, because she would get scared that her tummy was going to hurt again. Last night was particularly bad, and she kept crying that she was going to throw up, and she did have some very minor diarrhea. We've talked about this a lot--back in January, and over the past few days. Tonight, as she was getting ready for bed, she started whimpering and acting all freaked and stuff, and I kind of brusquely told her that she was going to have to figure out a way to get hold of herself, since I have just over a week left before my final book deadline, and I can't be sitting by her bed for hours every night. She whimpered a little more, ran off to the bathroom, then returned with a look of determination on her face.

"I'm just going to have to face my fears," she said.

Sometimes I really, really find it hard not to start laughing until she can't see or hear me. This was one of them. But, you know what? She did it. Go Em.

#2: N has hemorrhoids, if you can believe this crap. He's three, people. Three year olds are not supposed to get hemorrhoids. But he does. Also, if a three year old does have hemorrhoids, his parents are not supposed to laugh at him. And yet, how can you not, when he's so frickin' adorable and funny?

Here's why you can't not laugh. The hemorrhoids, obviously, come from constipation and the pushing that ensues. Actually, these came from one particular 24-hour period. Now, N is just at that almost-ready-to-potty-train age (my kids are sloooooooow in this area), so he's still pooping in a diaper. But he does let us know. So far, not particularly funny. I know. But wait. So the other night, he's all stuffed up (poor tiny guy) and he keeps telling us he needs to poop. But the way he does that is very N-like: He announces quite imperiously that, "I need pry-see. I need a poop in the chicken." And if you try and approach him during his very serious, very intense attempt at pooping, he starts to scream, "NO!!! I NEED PRY-SEE IN THE CHICKEN!!! GO WAY!!!!"

Confused are you? Ah, that's because you don't have the N Dictionary. (That would be me.) Pry-see, as you probably guessed, is privacy. I need a poop is actually I need to poop. And chicken? Get ready. It means kitchen. He needs privacy so he can poop in the corner in the kitchen, his preferred pooping spot.

Now, come on. Aren't you laughing? Doesn't the vision of a little boy pooping in a chicken make you laugh? Or am I just too infantile for words? (Don't answer that.) Maybe you just have to be there. But it just about kills me.

And yes, I should be writing my book. But I'd rather talk about facing your fears and and pooping in the chicken, if only for the fun Google referrals I'm bound to get over the next few weeks...

OK, OK, I'm going now. Sheesh. Slave drivers, all of ya.