Tiny Coconut

I have things.

Monday, December 12, 2005

I Had To Take A Xanax Tonight

That's not so unusual; happens nowadays about two, three times a month. I'm just pleased it isn't more often, to be honest. But what bugged me about it tonight was why.

The phone rang at 6:30. Baroy called upstairs, where I was working diligently. (Or playing sudoku online. One of those two.)

"TC, it's Dr. Oui."

Gulp. A quick glance at the clock confirmed what my stomach had just told me: Despite having gotten a phone call on Friday from his office, despite having put the appointment card on my desk (downstairs, where I wasn't working/playing, unfortunately), despite having planned out my day last night with this specific issue in mind...I'd forgotten to show up for my 6 pm psychiatrist appointment. For the third time. Out of the last four.


So I was already feeling crappy when I picked up the phone, not only because I hate that my mind no longer works despite the fact that the postpartum brain-drain excuse hasn't been in play for almost five years now, but because I heart Dr. Oui. (Have I ever mentioned that? OK, but have I mentioned it in the last five minutes?)

But it only got worse when I picked up the phone and cursed mildly and apologized for being just plain stupid.

"Not a problem, TC," he said in that smooth-as-silk and deep-as-the-ocean voice of his. (Have I mentioned...? Oh, yeah.) "But I did have something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Oh," I said, surprised.

"It's about my imminent departure from University Where We Both Work."

And all I could think was, shit. Shitshitshitshitshit. Where the fuck did I put that Xanax?

It's not going to be that big of a deal. I mean, I'll follow him wherever he's going, and if he's not covered, I'll just cut back to once or twice a year. I don't feel like starting over with someone new. I'm stabilized on my meds; the reason he's been seeing me every two weeks to a month for almost a year now is because of how hard it was, initially, to get me to a stable place, and I think we've both sort of fallen into a habit of continuing frequent sessions. Plus, it's only recently that we've both felt that I'm actually at the other end of whatever was going on with me.

But for some reason--because my own exit from University Where We Both Work now seems to be stalling? because I'm not sure how stable my current mood stability is? because I just really like Dr. Oui?--hearing that he's leaving kind of rocked me. I went from a perfectly good mood to a mondo crappy one in about five seconds flat, finished making dinner, and am now waiting for my after-dinner mint (which is, by the way, for anyone who's never taken Xanax, not minty at all, but rather the proverbial and literal Bitter Pill) to kick in.

Isn't that stupid? Of all the mundane and minute things to get all antsy and anxious over...

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