Tiny Coconut

I have things.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

What is with all this angst? I'm so ridiculously, way-out-of-proportion-to-reality conflicted these days. Things are finally decent here. G's making money. And anyone who knows me knows who earthshatteringly monumental that is. Stalker Girl hasn't "been around" since April, that I know of. My boss wants to work with me to make my job better and more palatable. N is growing and gaining and learning and just edibly cute, though increasingly challenging. E is about to start first grade, and she swells my heart with pride much of the time. So, really...conflicted? What's that about?

Actually, I know what it's about. It's about seeing what I really want be ever-so-much closer, and yet not being able to reach out and touch it yet. It's about having more money come in than we've ever had, and yet not being able to reduce my hours, much less quit my job. It's about that grass being so much greener, everywhere I look...

Not to mention that E has chosen now, of all times, to begin crying every morning when I go to work, hoping that I'll stay home. Six years old, and this is the first time she's ever done this, just when I'm most vulnerable to it. And of course N is still not adjusted to his preschool room, and sobs when I leave HIM. So my days start with a nice, healthy dose of guilt and resentment.

Yeah. I know where the angst is coming from. I just don't know what to do about it.

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